


black holes and revelations

by americandy



Series: fear like you [6]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Drabbles, Dreams, Fanmix, Forbidden Love, Half-Sibling Incest, Incest, M/M, Marijuana, Not Beta Read, allusion to the canonical time period haha, alternatively titled "robb worries", fic and music
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-30
Updated: 2014-06-30
Packaged: 2018-02-06 06:49:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1848493
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/americandy/pseuds/americandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Drabbles inspired by the second half of the playlist I listen to while writing the modern AU. Individual threads of the tapestry their whole relationship eventually becomes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	black holes and revelations

[download](https://www.mediafire.com/?73qubyqp42caw06) the playlist

**i. Fear Like You - Chet Faker**

\---

_feel my veins run through_  
 _it's true_  
 _i got a fear like you_

_\---_

Jon dreams about Robb for the first time when he is twelve.

He’s walking down a stone hallway, that of a castle. His footsteps are muffled by furs strewn across the stone walkway. He doesn’t know where he’s going, but his feet carry him to a great hall filled with people in medieval dress. He can’t see what they’re gathered around, the crowd is composed of adults and children alike and Jon isn’t tall enough to see over the shoulders of the men or women yet. It takes a great deal of effort to make it to the middle of the room, but when he does, the sight redeems the struggle.

There’s a great throne, an evil metal thing made of swords, but that’s not what has Jon’s jaw dropped in wonderment. Seated on the throne, draped in a fur of his own, is Robb. He’s smiling proudly, there’s a crown on his head; it’s clear that he is a king surrounded by his subjects. He’s talking to some faceless no one when he glances out to the crowd, and he locks eyes with Jon.

Jon wakes up at that exact second, breathing fast and sweating buckets. It reminds him of the rude awakening he’s accustomed to when dreaming of death. Sometimes he’s falling through the air, sometimes he’s in a room that’s slowly filling with water. The common thread that binds these episodes is that he wakes up just at the point of no return, at the point of death. He never actually hits the ground; he never actually feels his lungs fill with water – he jolts awake instead.

Jon doesn’t sleep for the rest of the night because he’s scared. The other dreams are fine; he knows the terror his mind shields him from by waking him up. This one… this one is different. He can’t fathom what would have happened if he had just kept sleeping. When he sees Robb in the morning in their shared bathroom, they lock eyes while brushing teeth. Robb smiles and Jon’s stomach drops. He feels fear.

**ii. Hiding - Dale Earnhardt Jr Jr**

**\---**

_what am I gonna do_  
 _if I can't have you_  
 _..._  
 _this is what you said to me_  
 _coming up and skinned_  
 _all the vessels there within_  
 _every single little sin_  
 _covered up in skin_

_\---_

It's not like Robb's never come to Jon's room late at night before. They stay up sometimes, talking or watching old movies or reruns of any number of sitcoms. They're both night owls, and birds of a feather flock together. When Robb tires of playing xbox alone and makes his way to Jon's room, it's so late that it's early. Light spills out from the crack underneath the door, signalling Jon is either still awake or sleeping with the lights on. Robb opens the door without so much as a knock, wholly unprepared for what he was about to walk in on.

As the door swung open, Robb saw that Jon was in bed, but he wasn't sleeping. He was naked, his legs akimbo, with his hand paused mid-motion on the length of his hard cock. His skin was flushed and coated in a sheen of sweat. Upon seeing his brother, Jon's eyebrows shot as far up as they could. Neither of them moved, and then Jon uttered a breathless "Robb," and came, spilling down over the back of his hand. 

Robb backed away slowly, pulling the door shut with him as he went. Once it was closed, he leaned back against it and screwed his eyes shut. The image of Jon, his hair mussed, his chest and face flushed and sweaty, touching himself... It was too much, he pressed the heel of his palm against his own growing hard-on. Jon had come looking directly into his eyes, with his name on his lips. Even if it had been a coincidence, it struck Robb like a bolt of lightning. It was something he wanted to experience again.

**iii. Lost It To Trying - Son Lux**

**\---**

_what can we do now?_  
 _we lost it to trying_  
 _what can we say now?_  
 _our mouths only lying  
_

\---

 The thing about what they have is that it's so good when they're together. They find each other at night and tessellate. Robb knows their nights by sensation, by the goosebumps on Jon's arms before they kiss, by the way his mouth opens easy and sweet, by the way he radiates heat like a furnace and doesn't mind Robb's cold hands slipping below the waistband of his pajama pants.

It's so good when they're together, but when they're apart? Robb is consumed with a kind of guilt that literally makes him sick to his stomach. He's had to run to the loo more than once after thinking too hard about what he's taking from Jon. Any decent human being would have that kind of reaction to touching his brother the way that he does, the ways he imagines but has yet to. 

Sitting on the cold white tile of the bathroom floor, Robb realizes that wanting to be with Jon every second of every day and in every way is an obsession. Robb doesn't know how he's going to stop; he knows he doesn't want to stop, but he has to. He steels himself and decides he'll have one more night with Jon and then end it, whatever this new layer of their relationship is. He's about to get up when the bathroom door opens and Jon is behind it, eyes worried.

"I couldn't find you," he said as he walked in. He continued until he was next to Robb and plopped down. They sat in silence for less than a minute before Jon wrinkled his nose.

"Did someone vomit in here?"

"I ate something bad earlier, I think," Robb replied with a  shrug. He watched Jon out of the corner of his eye, the way he studied Robb's face with concern gracing his beautiful features. It was then he decided it was too cruel to have one more night to himself. It would be too hard to keep up a facade; to pretend that what they have is okay. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"I need to tell you something, Jon." He opened his eyes and re positioned himself so that he was facing Jon, because he owed him that at least. They were both sitting cross-legged and as their knees bumped, Jon's hand traveled from his own lap to Robb's, coming to rest on his thigh.

"Anything, brother." Jon said, focusing his unwavering attention on Robb.

He felt the warmth of the hand that rested gently on his thigh. It was a kindness he didn't deserve, not for what he had done, not for what he was about to say. He grasped Jon's hand in his own and moved them both to the tile floor, but he couldn't let go. He decided it was best to get it out all at once, and that is what he did.

"Jon, we can't do what we have been doing anymore. We can't. It's not right for you to be wasted on me, Jon. It's not right for me to collect all of your firsts like this," He said in a shaking voice. Jon yanked his hand out from under Robb's like he had been burned.

"Robb, where the fuck is this coming from?" He asked, anger marring his lovely face.

"It's coming from the fact that no good person would want to touch his sibling, his brother, the way I want to touch you. The way I like to touch you." Jon scoffed at Robb's remarks.

"If you're a bad person then I am too, Robb. I know you don't honestly believe that about yourself and I hope you don't believe that about me." Jon's volume increased as he spoke,the conviction growing in his voice. Robb put a finger to his lips to remind Jon to be quiet. 

"See, Jon? We can't even discuss us, whatever 'us' is, for fear of being found out. It's sick and it's something to hide. You deserve someone who can kiss you all the time, wherever you are, someone to hold your hand and make you smile." 

"Robb, don't be thick. Of course we have to hide now, living under the watchful eye of hired help and siblings and Dad and Cate, we can't go singing it from the rooftops. We'd get thrown on the street. I don't know why you think I need someone like that, because I already have him, and it's you. We'll run away one day, to somewhere across the globe where no one knows our names. You'll see."

"Please, Jon," Robb's voice cracked on his brother's name. "You're making this so much harder than it has to be, please stop." Suddenly, Jon's hand was back on top of Robb's, pulling it up so he could link their fingers together. 

"Tell me you don't want this," he said, kissing Robb's knuckles one by one. Robb looked away before speaking in less than a whisper.

"I don't," was all he said.

"Liar,"  Jon called him. He leaned forward then, pressing his lips against Robb's once before repeating the word. He kissed Robb again, and because Robb is a liar, his mouth moves under Jon's. Jon's hand gripped his bicep hard, hard enough to leave fingerprint-sized bruises the next day. And because Robb is a liar, he doesn't pull away. When they finally had to breathe, they only parted enough to be able to gulp a lungful or two of air.

"Things are never going to be the same, are they?" Robb asked Jon, and Jon answered with a question of his own.

"Would you want them to be?" 

**iv. Coffee - Sylvan Esso**

\---

_wild winters_  
 _warm coffee_  
 _mama's gone_  
 _do you love me?_

\---

The winter of Jon's last year in secondary school is a time that stands out to Robb as pure gold. Having already graduated himself, he had little to do but indulge and relax. Cate  took Sansa out of school and left for three weeks on a mother-daughter spa retreat vacation extravaganza. The absence of the two of them, particularly Catelyn, created a different kind of feeling in the house. Arya and Bran ran through the halls shooting each other with the nerf bow and arrow sets they'd received for Christmas and their laughter echoed through the halls. At night, the lot of them would sit down and eat dinner together, with Ned at one head of the table and Robb at the other. Ned loved Robb and Jon equally, there was no favoritism based on their differed lineage. It was the first time Jon felt the sensation of truly belonging to a family unit and he quite liked it, imagined what it would be like if it were like this all the time. 

Days bleed into each other, nights spent together become mornings in bed. Because Jon runs preternaturally warm, he's the one sent to get coffee from the kitchen for the both of them. Getting out of bed and out of Robb's arms _so_  early on a cold winter's morning isn't something he can gather himself to feel excited about. Still, when he sees Robb watches him with a look of transparent and raw adoration, Jon smiles back as he pulls on his pajama bottoms. 

"Love you," Jon says just before he opens the door to see if the coast is clear. Robb waits for him to check and give a thumbs up before responding.

"Love you too," he calls back. 

It was never a question of love. When they were little, they had the kind of love that brothers are supposed to have for each other.

\--

"I'll fight anyone who gives you trouble." Robb, six years old and tough as nails had assured Jon on his first day of preschool. 

Jon was nervous, Robb was a grade ahead, in a different building than himself. He needn't have worried, as it turned out. No one had even frowned in his direction and his class had done a yarn and macaroni noodle necklace craft. 

After the school day ended, they found each other, and Jon gave Robb the piece of jewelry he'd crafted during class. The noodles were all sorts of colors, beaded in a pattern that Jon had worked hard on. Robb slung an arm around his shoulder and squeezed him tight. 

"Thanks, Jonny," he had said.

\--

As Robb waited for Jon to get back, he stared at the necklace Jon had presented to him years ago, hanging off a pair of prize antlers mounted on his wall. The colors are faded now, from summers of wearing it spent under the glare of the sun. They had loved each other like brothers, so long ago. The other kind of love that bloomed between them was a surprise to Robb, at first anyway, but then he came to feel it was as predictable as anything else, really. Like you could count on the sun to set and rise, Robb and Jon were always meant to be more than their familial limitations permitted.

The door opened miraculously. Robb didn't know how Jon had managed to accomplish it with both of his hands occupied by the tray he was holding. Two steaming cups of coffee, side by side, in the mugs they had received from Nana years ago. 

They look at each other, beaming, as Jon shuts the door behind him by leaning back up against it.

"I love you," Robb says to him as he approaches the bed again. Carefully setting down the tray between them, Jon gets on the bed too and leans over it, so that he can press his lips to his brother's. Sometimes, he doesn't need to say "I love you" for Robb to know.

**v. Love, Love, Love - As Tall As Lions**

\---

_have I_  
 _ever told you before_  
 _I think_  
 _you're beautiful when you're sleeping?_  
 _I have faith you watch me in_  
 _my slumber too_

\---

They'd fought before Robb had left to go see the family, to keep up appearances and say hi to their siblings. Jon couldn't go with him because it would seem odd that they both would  decide to visit at the same time though they "haven't seen each other in months". Maybe it would have seemed fine to Cate and their brother and sisters, but Ned would know their joint visit was steeped in unholiness. 

It made Jon incredibly sad that they lived in a reality where Robb sometimes had to pretend like he didn't love Jon at all. What they had really wasn't something to be hidden, it was too true and too glorious to be a shameful thing.

Though Jon felt his plight was the worst, Robb truly had the shorter end of the stick when it came to emotionally damaging experiences. Eating dinner with his parents was almost impossible, Cate acted like the sun shone out of his arse and Ned was monosyllabic. Things went from bad to worse when the topic of Jon came up, and Cate gleefully went on about how she had no idea what the bastard was up to these days. A grim smile settled over Ned's mouth as he watched Robb squirm, unable to say a word against his mother's vitriol.

Robb didn't have to see them frequently, twice a year was enough to placate his mother, but it was also enough to leave him feeling torn apart at the seams. It was mental warfare, trying not to lash out at his mum, to let her know just what Jon was up to these days. If she were to find out -- sure, Robb would be cut off from his finances, but he would also be cut off from her violent disapproval.

He leaves late in the night so that he can get back to Jon early in the morning. A red-eye flight gives him time to consider everything, a future where they don't have to hide, an alternate universe of a past where they never had to in the first place. He has fever dreams about Jon, about a house in the woods with acres of land, and his imaginings carry him from the airport to the door of their flat. It's four in the morning when he finally makes it home, he's tired, but he's not going to sleep yet.

He leaves his shoes by the rug in front of the door and makes his way down the hall to their room, where the door is ajar. Jon is sleeping with his back to Robb, half covered in wrinkly white sheets, the other half marked with red lines where the fabric had pressed into his skin earlier. He watched Jon's back without moving until he could see it: the minute adjustment of his rib cage as his lungs expanded and contracted. 

Now that he had visual confirmation of the life inside of Jon, he circled around the end of the bed slowly, eager to see the way sleep has taken his face. He drops into the chair opposite his side of the bed and appreciates how innocent Jon looks in slumber, almost like he did when they were young, almost like he did _before_. Robb watched Jon's eyes move beneath his lids and the subtle part of his mouth for a chunk of time he can't put a number on. Eventually sunlight casts its way over one of Jon's cheeks and he stirs, his eyes opening just a crack.

His eyes closed again and he smiled slightly, and Robb thought for a moment that maybe Jon wasn't actually waking up but diving back into a dream, but then he spoke.

"I didn't hear you come in." His voice was thick and full of slumber. He opened his eyes again to see Robb more clearly. His older brother looked tired, dead, _beat_ as they say, but the corners of his mouth turned up at Jon.

"I didn't want you to hear me, love. I just wanted to see you sleep. Being away from you like this, I noticed that I miss your sleeping face something awful."

Jon adjusted in bed, reaching an arm out to Robb.

"You look like you could use a rest of your own, Robb. Come and lay down with me. Maybe I missed your sleeping face too." 

**vi. Conversations - Fyfe**

\---

_I know we're young_  
 _and all that you have said is true_  
 _so what, we're young_  
 _I was born a dreamer too_

\---

It wasn't easy to get Robb out of the house, but every so often, his friends managed. Terrible Theon and his ilk were so desperate for Robb to turn out that they didn't mind if he dragged his younger brother along, which was good because Jon's presence was often a caveat for Robb even beginning to consider going out.One of the reasons no one minded terribly if Jon came along was because he always had really good weed, and he was always willing to share.  They didn't go to clubs, they weren't old enough yet, and so they spent a lot of time sitting in circles at house parties. On this particular night, the party was at Greyjoy's. His house was big, not as big as theirs, but quite large enough for two people to disappear into. Robb and Jon decided they would do just that. Now, they didn't really like drink, but that night they had sipped on heavy-handed gin and tonics. 

Not intent on getting to deep into the buzz that alcohol provided, by the grace of the god of charades, Jon communicated to Robb over the throbbing bass of the sound system that he wanted to go smoke. When Robb turned to tell Theon and ask him if he wanted to join, he found him distracted by a pair of blondes, and decided it wasn't an important enough matter to press.

In the midst of the party, under the guise of staying close and trying to navigate through a crowd, Robb touched his brother. Jon felt a warm hand low on his back, fingertips pressing in gently, letting him know that Robb had been thinking of him -- was thinking delicately of him at that very second. It's not a lot but it's enough, and as they push their way through the halls to a more deserted corridor, Jon is glad he an blame the drink he hadn't finished earlier for the flush that grows slowly on the apples of his cheeks.

Finally, they opened a door and found the room behind it empty. A bathroom isn't ideal, by any stretch of the imagination, but it is good enough. As soon as they were both inside, Robb closed the door behind them. When he turned around, he found Jon taking steps into his space, his hands out in front of him, as though unsure of which part of Robb he'd most like to get them on first. Robb closed the distance between them so that Jon had to make a decision, and one hand ends up on his chest, the other wound in the short length of his hair. Robb made no bones about where his hands were headed, he slid them down over the curve of Jon's ass and used his height advantage to pull him up, grinding their hips together shamelessly. 

Jon kissed as though he were taking sips from his brother's mouth, pulling at his bottom lip over and over until Robb acquiesced. He opened up to Jon, and they paused for a moment, in the space between a chaste press of lips and something slick and heavy and naughty.

"Can you imagine what our peers would say..." Robb began in earnest, trailing off as Jon ran his teeth over the same spot on his neck. 

"What they would say if they saw us like this?" Jon finished for him, and Robb's hands were traveling up under his shirt, traveling his shirt up over his torso, finishing the movement off by pulling it off, up and over his head. His hands covered every inch of skin he'd just exposed, trying to feel everything at once. His hands came to pause right above Jon's trousers, his belt and the button of his pants. 

"I think they would wonder why we aren't getting stoned, but then I think they would catcall us." Jon stopped trying to get impossibly close to Robb, thinking for a moment.

"Speaking of, we should probably smoke, no? How bad would it look if someone opened the door to find us like this and it didn't even smell of weed at all?" Robb's head fell into the crook of Jon's neck. 

"Oh, you're too sensible for your own good."  He spoke, his words muffled against his brother's skin. 

They had rolled spliffs together before they left for the party, and Jon took out his cigarette case now, grabbing two roll ups for the both of them. Robb and Jon sank onto the floor, Jon minus his shirt, both of them uncomfortable in the pants they'd chosen. Robb put his joint between his lips, waited for Jon to do the same, lit his, and then his own. After a few deep inhales, Jon turned to him.

"You think they'd catcall us, eh?" Robb held his hit in, then exhaled and replied.

"How could they not? A wolf whistle, at least. I may be a little biased though", he admitted.

"Biased? I was just going to compliment you on your rose-colored glasses", Jon said, lighthearted mirth in his voice. Rob snorted, a sound that was ugly and endearing. He jabbed Jon in the stomach.

"This is going to sound awful but when I'm with you, every moment feels like the moment in romantic movies when the guy finally gets the girl. You know, the moment of  _wow, it was all worth it_ that the changed protagonist has. I literally feel like that all the time." Jon turned so he was facing Robb, his teeth working at his lower lip.

"That's not awful, Robb. That's the loveliest thing I've ever heard, I think. I also think," He paused, taking Robb's spliff from him and ashing it out on the bottom of his shoe. "there's enough smoke in here." He took one last drag of his own before ashing it the same way. The last breath of smoke still aching in his lungs, he pressed his lips to Robb's urging him to open up.

Robb does, because Robb always does.

**vii. Starlight - Muse**

\---

_but I'll never let you go_  
 _if you promise not to fade away_  
 _never fade away_  
 _our hopes and expectations_  
 _black holes and revelations_

\---

 The uncertainty is the aspect of their relationship that causes the largest amount of stress. In the beginning, Jon was uncertain if his peculiar inclinations toward Robb were reciprocated. Then, Robb was uncertain if he had gotten Jon into things or if it really was as fair and true as it felt. Once their feelings were made concrete, the uncertainty shifted to outside factors. Will mum and dad find out? One out of two, by their own volition, not half bad. If Jon could go back, he would keep them quiet in an effort to save Robb from the cruelty their father unleashed upon him. After that, and before it, really, the future was the biggest point of fear and worry. An ugly question mark. 

It's not really fair to be mad though, because no kind of sustainability is fair to expect when you're in a relationship with someone who's blood. Speaking of, Jon's not even totally made of the same stuff, and sometimes in the summer when his skin tans and his eyes warm up (Robb thinks it is quite like the way a fruit becomes ripe, "summer looks good on you", he has said to Jon) he looks positively exotic.  

The expiration date on their relationship seemed to be fast approaching now that they've both finished school. Their parents expected Robb to be out of the house already, off starting his adult life, but somehow he'd managed to stick around until Jon was ready to start his too. They lived in the house they'd grown up in for quite some time, and leaving it behind seemed an unthinkable crime. The family's estate was nearly a third party in their relationship, they could measure their love in order of the rooms they kissed in, slowly becoming bold enough to sneak it whenever the focus shifts away from them. 

The future was the scariest thing to think of because the likelihood of the outcome in which they made it together, got to stay together, was small. They remained in stasis for as long as possible, waiting until Cate and Ned very pointedly began speaking of getting Robb a flat somewhere. There was no discussion about what Jon would be doing because Catelyn still had no taste for him and Ned couldn't bring himself to care what either of his eldest sons did, not when he knew their truth. 

Robb laid awake at night, putting the pieces of a puzzle together though he wasn't sure what it would look like when it was done. Jon would have to make sacrifices, they would still have to hide, sometimes, but it was better than any reality they'd imagined their relationship ending in as they'd grown up. 

Robb would continue to receive financial support from his parents, would be getting a flat in his own name with their money, located anywhere he wanted. This was discussed endlessly, with Cate dreaming about what sort of decor his place would have, prematurely getting excited about visiting him there. He was certain she didn't expect that he was planning on Jon living there with him. 

Robb had worried about what would become of Jon once they got older for years. Even if they weren't in bad standing with their father, any resources Jon would have had access to would be minimal at best, because Catelyn would have surely made it so. Now that their father wouldn't try to have him taken care of, even a little bit, Jon had nothing. Except Robb.

"Jon, you're coming with me." Robb said to him after they had sat through a particularly lengthy discussion with Catelyn about what city his flat would be in. "I know it's hard to listen to, but you can live there with me." 

Jon looked at him with sad eyes, an eyebrow quirked.

"What do you mean, Robb? They'd never let us live together." Strangely, Robb smiled when Jon said this. He brought a hand up to Jon's neck, circled around it, felt the more prominent bones of his upper spine.

"That's why this is going to work, Jon. They won't know. They don't have to  _let us_ live together, we can just neglect to tell them." Robb explained to Jon. Jon could have rolled his eyes when he heard the grand plan.

"Robb, that's exactly the kind of thing that's too obvious to work." Robb pouted when his brother denied the genius of it.

"Is it too obvious to work or too obvious to fail? We don't need to have separate rooms, so there'd be no questions about it looking like a second person is living there. We're both men, unless anyone looks closely at the differing sizes they won't know the walk-in is divided up into two. We'll put you up when anyone comes to visit, and put your toothbrush away. We'll make it work." As Robb discussed specific details, the idea of it sounded more and more realistic to Jon. His belief in Robb was unyielding, the closest thing to a religion he had.

"I don't know why I'm so inclined to believe you when you say things like that, but here I am. Your hubris could be the death of us," He sighed as Robb pulled him close.

"The death of us, or the birth of the rest of our lives. We're going to do it, Jon. Everything we worried about, all of the things that could tear us apart... We made it through. We get to move somewhere where I can hold your hand without worrying about running into someone we know. We can be what we've always dreamed of."

"Aren't we already?" Jon asked. He didn't need to feel the validation of being able to kiss Robb in public, he could do it in private, and that was enough.

"Yes, love, of course. I just want other people to know we are too."


End file.
